"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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