He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
