me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
