I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
