you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
