we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
