I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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