god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
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