Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
