If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
