i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
