i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
