Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
