Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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