yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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