...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
