Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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