your parents love me but you hate me
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
