if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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