to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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