Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
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