I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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