drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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