My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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