Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
