I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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