Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
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No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
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You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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