Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
