I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
