can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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