i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
