Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
