No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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