dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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