dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
The only downside is I can't stop skipping