So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?