My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying