hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
