I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
porn star boner night. come get it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
