I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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