You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
