Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
