All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
