all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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