If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
