Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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