I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
