some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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