the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
too bad you live with your parents still
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
