1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
