I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
