And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
