Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
