she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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