You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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