I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
