I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
